One minute into First Impressions of Earth I’m thinking, “Damn, maybe this is actually going to be a really cool record.” The third Strokes album kicks off with the really fun “You Only Live Once.” Great guitar part, hooks galore, great croon… got it all. I did think it sounded a little Rick Springfield over-produced, but you gotta give the silver-spoon underdog a break here and there, right? And, I did. A minor offense with all things considered.

So, we’re just passing the three minute mark and all goes to hell. The first single off the record is “Juicebox”… more like “Sh*tbox.” Super lame Rob Zombie-esque bass line, some of the worst guitar solos I’ve ever heard, and a boring vocal melody. Let’s see… maybe “Heart in a Cage” is going get this wreck back on track. Nope. Starts off with more bad guitar… sounds like these guys got into Steve Vai and Joe Satriani over the summer. What gives?

This is when it gets really funny/sad depending on how you look at it. “Razorblade”… oh, boys, boys, boys. Following the hokey Jamaican-bar-band-in-an-Adam-Sandler-movie verse we are treated to a nearly spot on rip-off of Barry Manilow’s “Mandy” for the chorus. Ouch! How did nobody catch that in the studio?

Two more weak songs follow before “Ask Me Anything.” This is the “other side” of Casablancas. Oh… of course, still jaded and aloof, but this time it’s backed by a Melotron and, apparently, a Magnetic Fields fetish. It’s not a bad song. It’s just a little too familiar.

Well, after a few more tracks this album is starting to seem really long. It was a bad song free-fall after that first song. But, hey… one outta fourteen ain’t bad, right? Seven percent, huh? Ok, maybe it is… So, maybe just buy that song on iTunes or wait for the Garden State 2: Atlantic City or Bust! soundtrack.